Donald Trump presenting his very own edition of Medals of Honor.
No Service Necessary
After the disastrous flop of Trump's Gold Card visa program, US President and self-proclaimed urolagnia aficionado Donald Trump has unveiled his latest money-making scheme: selling Medals of Honor for a cool $5 million apiece. "With just one easy payment of $5 million, these great, beautiful medals can be yours," Trump declared, his grin as golden as his hair dye. Despite public criticism, the White House insists there's no higher honor than giving Donald Trump all your money. Officials are confident these medals will finally rake in profits where the Gold Card visa program failed miserably.
Traditionally reserved for military personnel who demonstrated exceptional valor, these Medals of Honor are instead sold without any prerequisite for service or sacrifice and are available to anyone with a fat wallet and zero shame. "Why bother getting shot or killed like those other dumb losers? Real winners know the military is for suckers and desperate college students," said the leader of United States and man who couldn't identify more than two countries on a world map Donald Trump.
Each medal is a masterpiece of tastelessness, featuring Trump's face specially emblazoned on a star forged from melted-down wheelchairs and crutches confiscated from homeless and disabled veterans. "Why waste resources on helping the poor when we can honor the filthy rich billionaires?" quipped the President, channeling the spirit of Goofus from 'Goofus and Gallant' but with less charm and more tax fraud.
These Donald Trump's Edition of Medals of Honor do not require military service, just a hefty investment.
Level Up your Glory
While it remains unclear if these Medals of Honor will hold even a shred of legitimacy compared to their original counterparts, legions of Call of Duty fans have preemptively hit "prestige mode," pre-ordering them for their own basement award ceremonies. With millions of FPS gamers worldwide, the idea of non-U.S. citizens bestowing themselves in Medals of Honor has left some military top brass breaking into a cold sweat. But despite their pearl-clutching, the White House is charging full steam ahead, with mass production set to begin next month. In fact, they've already started filming an infomercial, complete with a cameo from their first recipient Kanye West, to hawk these medals to the general public.
Currently, these medals will replace the variant issued by the Department of the Navy, but plans to expand the lineup are in the works, including Air Force, Army, Marines, Coast Guard, and even the Space Force. As the White House explains, "There's no higher valor than defending Elon Musk's Starlink satellites from the reptilian aliens." There were whispers of including NOAA and USPHSCC, but those branches are being unceremoniously tossed out due to "efficiency concerns" faster than Trump skips briefings. Translation: they didn't have enough billionaires to pander to.
American rapper Kanye West, also known as Ye, becomes the first recipient of the Donald Trump's Edition of Medal of Honor.
For True Patriots Only
In addition to these new Medals of Honor, next year the head of the U.S. government and man who thinks "WWII" is shorthand for "World War Eleven," Donald Trump, plans to launch a Trump-branded Purple Heart. Priced at a modest $10 million apiece, also with no military service requirements. "What kind of poor idiot wouldn't want to buy glory?" Trump reportedly quipped while proposing to lower the enlistment age to 14 and enforcing conscription on young adults earning less than $2 million a year. "Women need not apply," he added, presumably while doodling hearts around his own name.
In a bid to ensure these medals aren't dismissed as mere collectible novelties, Commander-in-Chief and felonious American dictator Donald Trump plans to issue an executive order retroactively rescinding all previously awarded Medals of Honor, including posthumous ones. This bold move will make his new medals the only recognized version. Living recipients of the original Medals of Honor will be offered a generous $500 voucher toward upgrading to the Trump edition. While this decision has sparked outrage, MAGA loyalists remain unfazed. "If you can't afford to exchange your medal for a new one, you're not a real patriot," one supporter declared while wearing a camouflage MAGA hat bedazzled with rhinestones.
When reached for comment about the revocation, U.S. Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth responded with cryptic yet eloquent emojis of an American Flag, a dollar sign, and a middle finger. The Billionaire Dispatch is uncertain as to what the message meant, although we could not rule out the possibility that Secretary Hegseth sent us the message by accident.